Tomorrow!

This blog is for my mother. 

Have you ever had those trips that you kept putting off and then realized that if you don't do it now, you'll deeply regret it? Well, this is one of those. For some reason, I always thought I'd take this trip with my mother, even though she hasn't been able to travel for years, much less an international one.  And perhaps that was why I kept putting it off.  As it is, her health has been declining and if I'm ever to share one last thing with her this would be it.  

I was trying to figure out a way to update my mother in real time. It's been years since she's read her emails and if anything I thought I could get her to read a blog. So Mom, if this is you, I love you and wish you were coming with me.  And mom, this is a blog... But, if there are any grammatical or spelling errors, you can let me know.  

I was talking with my mother last night.  It was curious to me how much I remember from the day I arrived at the Chicago airport and on. And nothing prior of my time from birth to four years old in Korea.  For some reason, I had stifling nightmares about being surrounded by snakes and to this day, I can't stand them.  I remember loving bananas and ice cream. And I adored my brother, Adam.  I remember the houses I lived in from Geneva, Illinois to St. Charles.  I remember the Siamese cats we had and chocolate nestle milk with the rabbit on the bottle.  I remember being sick with Hepatitis and drinking 7up night and day.  And I remember being so hungry that I couldn't stop eating, even the chicken bones.  I remember having round bellies and the only thing that eased it was sleeping on my stomach.  

I was reminded of this quote by Joseph Campbell, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." My life has been a privilege granted to me.  A gift, and something that I would never have gotten without adoption.  Every morning, I try to remind myself that I have no right to complain. To honor this gift is what is required through karma.   

A very dear friend (you know who you are, Fran), told me that I was so restless and it was not the first time she told me that either.  I always laugh it off but seriously, how do I explain that I run on fear. The fear that I won't ever stop feeling like a ghost. That if I stop long enough the feelings will engulf me. Ones of sadness, rootlessness, incompetence. And so I create and create and create.  With my eye always on the horizon.  And perhaps, metaphorically, that is what this trip is about.  That I will come to a place inside me that tells me I can rest now.  That I won't fall apart if I do.  

I have to get off now to pack. Thank you for reading. 

Love to you all. 

Anne